...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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