Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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