And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
