It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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