We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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