if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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