My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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