Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
