my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
