Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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