the condom got lost in my hair
farters have to be the big spoon...
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
