I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize