Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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