By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
