I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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