woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
