drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
