The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
