guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
