im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
