Buhtt sex?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
