Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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