getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The ass gains better be worth it
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