my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
