Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
