I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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