You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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