Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
