i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
