I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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