I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
