my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
