God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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