I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
