Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Drunk is a universal language darling
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