just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Randomize
