meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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