"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
