I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
