im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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