I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
