I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
