I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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