hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm passing your future prison.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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