i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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