Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
