you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
