I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize