the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
