I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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