Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
