She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
