If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
