There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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