whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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