I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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