it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
